"HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE - Part 2"

Relate:
We are continuing our study in Ephesians 5 this week and how it affects relationships. Last week we looked at submission and how it affects how we relate to "one another". This week we will be looking at four words or principles found in our text; submit, love, sacrifice and respect.

You are probably feeling like I did when I reviewed this passage in preparation for my message this week. What does this have to do with relating to one another or with marriage?

Well, it has everything to do with it! For instance, as believers, as we learned last week, involves submitting to "... one another out of reverence for Christ". So we submit to one another because it honors Christ.
How about love? Love is a very misunderstood word today. When we hear the word love we usually just think of something sensual and sexual. That's only one kind of love. In the Bible there are four main Greek words for love: eros - the word for “erotic” love. Then there is phileo - brotherly love, which is a friendship kind of love. Thirdly, surgase -  which refers to family love, to those with biological connection to you. And then there is agape love - a love that looks beyond your faults and sees your needs. A love that gives (commends) itself for another.

When we examine the text, Paul allows us to see (1) What type of love it is when a man loves a woman and (2) Who exemplifies this kind of  love.

So what does agape love look like? This is what I found as I continued to dig deeper into the text:

• It is a sacrificing love. (v. 25)
• It is a sanctifying love. (v. 26-28)
• It is a sustaining love. (v. 29a)
• It is a securing love. (v. 29b)
• It is a submissive love. (v. 30)It is a solid love. (v. 31)

As I take inventory of this list and qualities of the kind of love I should have towards my wife first, and then others, I realize just how much work God still has left to do in me.

God has reminded me once again, that I should give to the most important person in my life (my wife) that which I am commanded to give to every believer: love...unselfish, sacrificial love!

Read: (Ephesians 5:22-33)
 

Recite: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
 

Research: 

(vv. 22-24) Although some people have distorted Paul’s teaching on submission by giving unlimited authority to husbands, we still must address it: Paul told wives to submit to their husbands. The fact that a teaching is not popular is no reason to discard it. According to the Bible, the man is the spiritual head of the family, and his wife should acknowledge his leadership. But, real spiritual leadership also involves service. Just as Christ served the disciples, even to the point of washing their feet, so the husband is to serve his wife. A wise and Christ-honoring husband will not take advantage of his leadership role, and a wise and Christ-honoring wife will not try to undermine her husband’s leadership. Either approach causes disunity and friction in marriage.
 

(vv. 25-28) Why did Paul tell wives to submit and husbands to love? Perhaps the Christian women, newly freed in Christ, found submission difficult; perhaps the Christian men, used to the Roman custom of giving unlimited power to the head of the family, were not used to treating their wives with respect and love. Of course both husbands and wives should submit to each other (5:21), just as both should love each other.
 

(vv. 26-27) Christ’s death makes the church holy and clean. He cleanses us from the old ways of sin and sets us apart for his special sacred service (Hebrews 10:29; 13:12). Christ cleansed the church by the washing of baptism. Through our baptism, we are prepared for entrance into the church just as ancient Near Eastern brides were prepared for marriage by a ceremonial bath. It is God’s Word that cleanses us (John 17:17; Titus 3:5).
 

(vv. 25-30) Paul devotes twice as many words to telling husbands to love their wives as to telling wives to submit to their husbands. How should a man love his wife? (1) He should be willing to sacrifice everything for her, (2) make her well-being of primary importance, and (3) care for her as he cares for his own body. No wife needs to ever fear submitting to a man who treats her (loves her) in this way.
 

(vv. 31-33) The union of husband and wife merges two persons in such a way that little can affect one without also affecting the other. Oneness in marriage does not mean losing your personality in the personality of the other. Instead, it means caring for your spouse as you care for yourself, learning to anticipate his or her needs, helping the other person become all he or she can be. The creation story tells of God’s plan that husband and wife should be one (Genesis 2:24), and Jesus also referred to this plan again (Matthew 19:4-6).
Paul used the marriage relationship as an illustration of the unique relationship between the church and Jesus Christ. He encouraged a loving, caring bond between husbands and their wives. Paul instructed husbands and wives to look to the relationship Christ has with the church as a model for the love, respect, and concern they should have for each other.
 

Relax: In your opinion, what is the most meaningful part of a typical wedding ceremony?
 

Reflect:

• What instructions does Paul have for a husband and a wife respectively? (5:22, 25)
• What loving actions did Christ demonstrate toward his church? (5:25, 27)
• What is Paul’s measure for how much a man should love his wife? (5:28)
• What illustration does Paul use to describe how much Christ cares for the church? (5:29)

Respond:

• In what ways does Paul’s parallel between Christ’s relationship with the church impact your understanding of the marriage relationship?
• How does picturing the church like “the bride of Christ” impact your understanding of the value of the church now?
• How can churches and small groups help couples with their marriage relationship?
• What is difficult about loving someone as much as you love yourself?

Request: How can you demonstrate your love and respect for your spouse and the church in practical ways?

How To Have A Successful Marriage - Part 1

 Relate:
The dictionary program on my Mac Book defines submit as, “to accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person”.

I have always been competitive. Beginning in seventh grade wrestling, my goal has always been to submit my opponent. Obviously my first understanding of the word submit was one    sided and not a good one.

At the age of fifteen, I came to know Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, which meant that I was submitting my life to Him. This was something entirely new for me. Shortly after making my decision, I started reading the Bible and tried to apply it to my life.

I remember reading a verse in the bible right after getting married to my best friend, the most wonderful girl who has been my life partner for the last thirty six years, Gayla. Reflecting on those moments of making decisions, I recall how difficult it was for me to include and accept her godly counsel. It was as if everything in me rebelled against this! After all Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit to your husbands ...”

I often wondered, isn’t she supposed to just follow me, submitting to my every whim and not question anything I do? Needless to say, God also created Gayla with opinions, understanding and knowledge and she too often, in my opinion, willfully volunteered it. Boy, did God have a lot of work to do on me. In fact I have not arrived yet, God is STILL working on me! I have to confess that there are still times when Gayla wants to share with me what the Lord is telling her or showing her and I don’t want to listen to her or even consider submitting to her counsel.

I realize that too often I am willing to love, accept, serve, be patient, be kind, bear with others, forgive others and encourage others when I should be giving all of that to the most important person in my life that which God commands me to give to every believer!

My prayer is that my honesty has served to provoke some personal reflection for you. I would hope that you walk away from reading this and do some honest heart searching.

Do you have a healthy understanding on submission? Take a few moments and ask the Lord to help you understand it.

Read: Ephesians 5:21-24

Recite: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (v. 21)

Research: (v. 21) People often misunderstand the concept of submitting to another person. It does not mean becoming totally being passive. Jesus Christ–at whose name every knee will bow (Philippians 2:10)–submitted his will to the Father, and we honor Christ by following his example. When we submit to God, we become more willing to obey his command to submit to others; to subordinate our rights to theirs.

In Paul’s day and culture, women, children, and slaves were to submit to the head of the family. Slaves would submit until they were freed; male children until they grew up; and women and girls their entire lives. Paul emphasized the equality of ALL believers in Christ (Galatians 3:28), but he counseled all believers to submit to one another by choice. This kind of mutual submission preserves order and harmony.

Submission provides evidence that we have Spirit-controlled relationships, and it requires the Holy Spirit’s guidance and restraint (4:2-3). In the church, the believers should be willing to learn from, serve, give to, or be corrected by others in the fellowship. Such submission can allow growth both individually and corporately as the believers seek to follow Christ. Our motive should be reverence (literally, “fear”) for Christ. We should not treat one another rightly just because it is expected or because we will be well regarded, but because one day we must give account to Christ of how we have lived.

(v. 22-24) Submission in the church should follow from submission in the home. The home, the foundation for relationships and personal growth, must be an example of peaceful submission. In a marriage relationship, both husband and wife are called to submit. The relationships between husbands and wives are a microcosm of the larger picture of church relationships between believers.

Paul addressed the wives first, explaining that they were to submit voluntarily to their husbands as they would to the Lord, meaning “as is fitting to the Lord.” This does not mean that the husband is “lord” over the wife. Our concept of submission must come from that which exists between Christ and the church: Christ loves the church, and the church submits to him. We must not base it on either a feminist or chauvinist view. Christian marriage involves mutual submission, placing our own personal desires aside for the good of the loved one and submitting ourselves to Christ as Lord. The wife’s submission to her husband is one way that she can demonstrate her submission to Christ. She does this voluntarily out of love for her husband and for Christ.

Paul explained that a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church. In other words, the husband is the spiritual head of the family, and his wife should acknowledge his leadership. Real spiritual leadership involves service and sacrifice. Christ as head of the church is also its Savior. Christ gave his life for the church. So, as the church submits to Christ, so the wives must submit to their husbands in everything. A wise and Christ-honoring husband will not take advantage of his leadership role, and a wise and Christ-honoring wife will not try to undermine her husband’s leadership. Either approach causes disunity and friction in the marriage. For the wife, submission means willingly following her husband’s leadership in Christ. For the husband, it means putting aside his own interests in order to care for his wife. Submission is rarely a problem in homes where BOTH partners have a strong relationship with Christ and where each is concerned for the happiness and well-being of the other.

Relax: What or who, do you have difficulty submitting to?

Reflect:

• What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word submit?
• How would you define submission?
• What is a biblical definition of submission? How does this differ from the world’s view of submission? Read 1 Corinthians 11:3

Respond:

• Give five examples of how a wife should show godly submission to her husband.
• Give five examples of how a husband should show godly submission to his wife.
• How can you begin working on these this week?

"IMITATING GOD - Part b"

Tara, our daughter.

Relate:

Today is 14th day with Tara, our daughter, in ICU in Albuquerque for acute respiratory distress . Needless to say this has been a long, difficult two weeks! She is now stable but limited use of her arms and hands and practically no use of her torso and legs due to paralytic drugs while on life support. She is soon being released to a physical rehab center to begin her recovery process. Praise God!
   
Honestly, we would rather have not gone through ANY of this, including the countless hours in the ICU waiting room and sleepless nights by Tara’s bedside. The last thing we wanted to do was to pray for or minister to others while there. After all, Gayla and I were the ones that needed prayer and ministering to. Isn't that how we all are? In times of crisis, pain or difficulty we seem to always turn our focus inward. I am not saying that it isn't appropriate to care for ourselves in those moments, but as a Christian, we can never disconnect from what God has called us to be: light in a dark world.
    
Yes, we are here for our daughter, but God has used Gayla and I to bring light to those that are going through similar things or even death. We have prayed with and shared God’s Word with a man whose wife of 56 years slipped into eternity; a mother who is on the brink of loosing her nine year old son to cancer; and a young man who's dad suffered a stroke and is in critical condition. And a few moments ago, I had the privilege to pray with a young lady who's boyfriend is in the room next to Tara's struggling to stay alive after a gunshot wound.
    
These moments have put everything into perspective. We’ve not only been here for our daughter, but also for those God has placed in our path.  We rejoice in the fact that Tara is alive and healing and that God has used us to be His light and messengers of hope to others.
    
Next time that you go through a crisis, face difficulties or even have a loved one slip into eternity remember that you have been created to shine. Go out into this dark world determined to "Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:16) [NIV 84]


Read: Ephesians 5:11-21

Recite: “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” (v. 15-16)

Research:

(v. 10-14) It is important to avoid the “worthless deeds of evil and darkness” (any pleasure or activity that results in sin), but we must go even further. Paul instructs us to expose these deeds, because our silence may be interpreted as approval. God needs people who will take a stand for what is right. Christians must lovingly speak out for what is true and right.
    
(v. 14) This is not a direct quote from Scripture but was probably taken from a hymn well known to the Ephesians. The hymn seems to have been based on Isaiah 26:19; 51:17; 52:1; 60:1; and Malachi 4:2. Paul was appealing to the Ephesians to wake up and realize the dangerous condition into which some of them had been slipping into.
    
(v. 15-16) By referring to these days as “evil”, Paul was communicating his sense of urgency because of evil’s pervasiveness. We need this same sense of urgency today because our days are also difficult. We must keep our standards high, act wisely, and do good whenever we can, while we can.
   
(v. 18) Paul contrasts getting drunk with wine, which produces a temporary “high,” to that of being filled with the Spirit, which produces lasting joy. Getting drunk is associated with the old way of life and its selfish desires. In Christ, we have a better joy, higher and longer lasting, to cure our depression, monotony, or stress. We should not be concerned with how much of the Holy Spirit we have but with how much of us the Holy Spirit has! Submit yourself daily to his leading and draw constantly on his power.
   
(v. 20) When feeling down or discouragd, you may find it difficult to give thanks. Take heart: in all things God works for our good if we love him and are called by him (Romans 8:28). Thank God, not for your problems, but for the strength he gives you and the Christ-like character he is building in you through the difficult experiences of your life. You can be sure that God’s perfect love will see you through.

(v. 21-22) Submitting to another person is an often misunderstood concept. It does not mean becoming a doormat. Even Christ -the one at whose name “every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth” (Philippians 2:10)–submitted his will to the Father.  We honor Christ by following his example. When we submit to God, we are more willing to obey his command to submit to others, that is, to subordinate our rights to theirs. In a marriage relationship, both husband and wife are called to submit. For the wife, this means willingly following her husband’s leadership in Christ. For the husband, it means putting aside his own interests in order to care for his wife. Submission is rarely a problem in homes where both partners have a strong personal  relationship with Christ and where each is concerned for the happiness of the other.

Relax: Have you ever been afraid of the dark? Why?

Reflect: (vv. 11-21) Look for key words, contrast and comparisons, purpose and result words. Ask the who, what, where, when and why questions and any other observations. See if you can come  up with 10 observations.

Respond:

• (vv. 11-12) How are believers to expose the deeds of darkness in practical ways?
• (vv. 13-14) In what sense do these secret evil things done by wicked people become visible? What does (v. 14) have to do with exposing evil deeds in this world?
• (v. 16) This verse literally commands us to redeem the time. What does that mean?

Request: When people are filled with the Holy Spirit, what attitude will prevail among them and between them? Does your life reflect this life? What is God asking to do, change, or confess?